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Its been three years and I feel like I've only taken two steps forward. I need to make more of an effort to better myself. I just wish that it was easier to be a better person. To feel some sort of self worth every now and then. So many people and choices influence me otherwise. I just wish I was so ambitious as to just pack up my things and leave to a better city with far more opportunities. Today I really realized how lost I've let myself get. I find myself falling in love with every man that shows me any attention. Just wanting to feel loved by someone, I guess. My heart hurts everytime I think of John. He was my best friend and my lover and now he's completely out of my life. It seems like I blinked and I was in a nightmare. Tonight my friend Sandra tried setting me up with one of her friends and I made a complete fool out of myself. I was so nervous I was shaking, sweating, and words came out scrambled when I tried to talk. It was a wreck. I am a wreck. I don't know what it's like in the dating world anymore. I hate it. It's so fucking ackward and annoying. Meeting someone new is so overrated. I mean basically you're just allowing yourself to open up to a complete stranger and signing on the dotted line for them to totally dissapoint you and hurt you. No thanks.
Summer school should start soon and hopefully I will make straight A's. It is a goal I have set for myself. I'll write tomorrow. Tired and ready to go to bed.
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Sunday, November 20th, 2005
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A color you like to wear: red
Regardless of size or circumstance, an animal you would like to own as your pet: a horse... my grandfather use to own and train a lot when I was younger. I use to have my own pony named King.
A flower you would like to grown in your garden: crimson roses
lucky number: 11
A smell that makes you pause: James's cologne
A taste that makes you melt: cheesecake with strawberries and chocolate
A hobby that occupies your time: writing...movies
A sport you enjoy watching: basketball
A sport you enjoy playing: volleyball, basketball, swimming
A city you like to visit: Austin
A country you would like to explore: Spain/ Italy / Australia
My favorite meal: my dad's homemade chicken and dumplings or my grandmothers spagetti caserole
A drink you often order: crown and coke/ diet coke/ unsweet tea 3 sweet and lows
A delicious desert: ice cream... chocolate .... anything chocolate
A game you like to play: texas hold em
A book you strongly recommend: White Oleander/ Where the Red Fern Grows/ She's come undone
An author who has affected you: Slyvia Plath
Music I prefer to listen to when I am alone: The Cure/ Poe/ Postal Service
Singer or band you currently listen to the most: Smashing pumpkins (old school) The Cure (Of course)
A film you watch over and over: Old School (funny as hell everytime)
An actress who's performace you admire: Julia Roberts in pretty woman
A tv show I watch regularly: Family Guy, Simpsons, Seinfield, Everyone loves Raymond
A peice of clothing you love to wear: my le tigre jacket
My favorite time of day: night ( cold nights are the best)
My favorite place to sit at home: In my old bedroom I use to have this secret corner where I would spend most of my time doing whatever
What I most like to do on Sunday: sleep in, go to the movies, spend time with family
MY Motto: Everything happens for a reason. One moment can change your life forever.
MY pets: two cats- Kirby and Kitty two dogs- Tommy and Duke
I live in a two story, 5 bedroom house.
My transportation is a 2000 ford mustang gt convertible.
Aprox. hours I spend working a week: 40-45 I wish I could work less and have more time to enjoy life
My watchL a roxy watch I have had since 7th grade and my favorite is my puma watch that someone recently stepped on!
My perfume: Coolwater for women, rapture, Very sexy for her
On my wall hangs a painting that my sister's friend made, a huge white chinese latern, a vintage butterfly piece, african masks, irresistible and miller lite promos
Under my bed or in my closet I hide my journals that I have had since I was 8... cookbooks, old purses, shoes, old notes or pictures
Something important on my night table would be a picutre of me and my best friend
When I sleep I wear something very comfortable, unless I pass out then what I was wearing the day before... if its hot just my underwear
If I had a safe, I would keep my most precious memories, money, my grandmothers jewels, things I want to keep forever
Things I like to buy: movies, beer, wine, shirts, belts, hair dye, make up
If I could afford it at this moment, I would buy a trip for me and someone special to Italy so we could have time alone to sort out our differences and hopefully shut the rest of the world out so we could love each other again
I collect butterflies, earrings, masks
I don't have a lot of shoes, long term relationships, close friends
My strangest possesion: Poochie a dog I sleep with... a gift from a guy named Jesse I use to date ... the first guy who asked me to marry him
My most expensive possesion: my car, my bed 900 matress
My prized possesion would be my kitty blanket, my smokey topaz ring, and a picture of my dad and us when I was 4
If my house was burning and I only had time to grab 3 things, they would be my cat, my other cat, and poochie... he makes me feel safe at night
Something forbidden I have done that might even surprise my close friends are the drugs I have done when I was younger.
People should not marry before the age of : I think as soon as two people are ready to commit themselves to one another for eternity age does not matter
There is no appropriate age to have sex.. it's something that should not be taken for granted and should only be shared between two people who love one another .... and it shouldnt be sex... it should be referred to as making love.
The first time I had sex I was 18.
My most recent lie was that I paid my warrant off. (I told my mom that )
A lie I tell myself "i dont need him anymore"
Something I have stolen that wasn't worth the risk was the ring I stole from Claire's when I was 14... i got arrested.
One thing in the world I am addicted to is cigerattes.
A drug or alcoholic bev you take or consume on a regular basis is Dos XX.
If their were no side effects I would enjoy being addicted to sex, monsters, cigerattes, bud, beer.
I do not believe hitting a child is a good form of discipline.
I have been arrested for shop lifting and driving while intoxicated.
I have read my sister's diary without permission.
I would be destroyed if I found out my spouse cheated on me.
I have cheated on a boyfriend before.
A time I purposly emotionally hurt someone was after my sister called me fat... i said she had a big nose. =) haha
I don't think I ever apologized.
A time I accidently hurt someone emotionally was saying I wanted to move on.
I have apologized and I regret it every day that comes
I owe my mother money but I stall to pay it back.
200 per month for my car
I believe in God.
God is the spirit that picks me up from when I fall. God is the one thing I have never questioned belief in. God is the best friend you will ever have. God is forgiving. God is perceived in many ways. God loves you not because you go to church but because you have faith and belief and you live your life the right way. God is life. God is love. God controls your destiny.
I was born into a methodist family and raised baptist.
My most spiritual moment was my grandfather's funeral.
The last time I was in a house of worship I was with my ex ex Bryan 4 years a go.
Death is when the spirit leaves the body and enters another realm.
I picture the end of the world being one massive explosion... everyone begging for forgiveness and telling the ones they care most about they love them when its too late. The world's biggest fears coming to life.
God speaks to me everyday in different ways.
God speaks to me by the way the sun sets, when green lights turn red, when i miss car accidents by seconds, scents within crowds, the people I meet
I am pro abortion.
owning a gun: con
the welfare system: pro
the death penatly: con
rights and serives for illegal immigrants: pro
legalization of drugs: con
equal rights for homosexuals: indifferent
the practice of premartial sex: pro
Owning a gun is a huge issue that concerns me.
Three things I like about my mother: her queso, how predictable she is, her taste in jewelery
Three things I like about my father: how postive his outlook on life is, he's one of the friendliest people I know, his knowledge on useless info -)
Physical traits I inherited from my father are his eyes, blond hair, short legs
When I was a child my parents didn't spend at much time or attention as I would have liked them to.
The most common issue my parents and I have argued about would be my decisions in the past.
My most beautiful childhood memory would be spending sundays sitting on my dad's lap watching shirley temple reruns eating the worlds finest chocolate covered cheeries.
My most terrifying memory of my parents during my childhood would be finding my dad blue in the face, not waking up... shaking him and shaking him and him not responding... i remember the words could even come out of my mouth to call 911... i couldnt even remember the damn number i was so fucking scared
I don't think I say "I love you" enough to my mother.
I don't think I say "I love you" enough to my father.
My mother hasn't told me she loves me enough.
I've never heard my dad tell me he loves me.
My mother often said: "life isn't fair, deal with it"
I have heard both that I look like my mother and my father.
Something that my parents have done that I have never forgotten...stop loving one another.
I wish they would have seperated because at least then they would have had a better chance of both being happier.
If I had to imagine my mother as an animal she would be a cat.
My father, a parrot... he talks so much.
MY favorite relative is my grandmother Nan.
I wish for my mother that one day she will bring peace to herself and get the help she needs to be truly happy. I wish that she could feel beautiful again.
I wish for my father that his health would be restored and the promise for him to live long enough to spend time with my children so they get the chance to know what a wonderful person he was to me.
Things I look for in a friend are common interests, sense of humor, willing to try new things, good listeners, trust worthy.
Friends I have known the longest Amy, Julie, and Becca.
I miss Becca the most.
My friend Harvey makes me laugh the most.
Amy is a friend who I can tell anything to and she has never or will never judge me.
Amy is a good friend I always go to for advice. She's my most level headed friend.
The best advice a friend has ever given me is " you are so beautiful and smart... dont surrrond yourself with people or things that are juts going to bring you down. i trust any decision you make... i know you will be okay."
A friend I can have adventures with would be Becca.... weve shared so many.
The best adventure I've had with her would have to be Marble Falls.... HICKS.
A friend I can flirt with would be Jerome...hes so inlove with me.
My three best qualities would be my eyes, my smile, my sense of humor.
My three worst qualities would have to be jealousy, secretive, and sensitive.
I struggle with being so secretive the most...every since I was little ... its hard for me to get close to someone.
Three words that best describe the way people look at me: wild, detached, busy
I am mostly complimented on my eyes, my smile, my voice.
A compliment that makes me blush: when people tell me I should model
The greatest amount of physical pain I have endured would be when I had my abortion... it felt like someone shot me in my stomach...and I had no pain killers.
The greatest amount of emotional pain I have ever endured would be what I am going through right now... feeling like I don't have a heart.
When telling stories or details of my day I tend to exagerate.
I have considered getting a boob job.
I keep a diary. I like to cook.I dont exerice regularly except running around at work. I doodle when I'm on the phone. I have read a book in the past month. I don't normally replace the toilet paper roll immediatly...although it is a huge pet peave of mine
done by others. I enjoy crossword puzzles. I have never been to the Eiffel Tower. I have many secrets I have never shared with anyone. I wait until the last minuet to fill my car with gas. I dont snore... I dont think. I read in the bathroom. Being sick is not a vacation. I don't like people over my house. I like America, just not the government. I can not remember jokes. I play cards. I do not fold my underwear. I fucking talk in my sleep. I have learned waiting tables to eat fast. I do not recycle small batteries. I try and avoid paying full price... like the hook up. Hiking is nice sometimes, but I have to have the right amount of energy. I like staying up late on the phone with someone you care about. I shave twice maybe three times a week. I set my watch a few minuetes ahead. I am always late. I don't get headaches that often. I smoke. I do not own a naked photo of myself. I can whistle. I write letters regularly but often never send them. I believe in destiny. I do not change my bed sheets weekly..maybe a three weeks. I bit my fingernails. I am not a veg cause I eat chicken. I have eaten in a restaurant alone. I have gone to the movies alone many times. I've never had sex on an airplane. I have hit my mother out of anger. When I think I have done something wrong, I take long to apologize... im very stuborn. When my alarm goes off in the morning I hit snooze about 3-5 times before I get out of bed. I am always in control in heated arguments. I always save letters and postcards. I have parties. I have stolen money from my parents before. I have never fired a gun. I always give money to homeless people. Money has never influenced my character. I don't know who I am anymore but this is helping me remember. I dont enjoy being photographed but photographing others. Life treats me well.
Something I wish I could change about my life would be the relationship established between my mother and I.
Something I wish I could change about myself would be I wish I could be more open with my feelings and more loving towards others.
Three qualities my ideal man would possess would be a good kisser, good sense of humor, and a big heart.
I plan to spend the rest of my life with someone I love and with my family.
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Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
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| Time: | 11:03 pm. |
| Mood: |  artistic. |
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wow, its been a long time since i have been to this website.
so, ive moved back to san antonio because i ran into a lot of problems living in austin. i am now working at cementville. sometimes i make a lot of money, sometimes i dont. oh well.
since i have moved back i have dated a guy who turned out to be a complete maniac. who, by the way, got fired today. thank god!
now, a couple weeks later, i find myself very attractive to this guy who plays in a band at my work every sunday. weve gone out a couple of times, but i think this last sunday he lost interest because my ex boyfriend scared the be jesus out of him by being a crazy drunk. i hope not, because he is sooo amazingly attractive and polite.
i need someone positive in my life. enough with the asswholes!
i miss my friends though. i dont have a cell phone momentarily and it makes life very different.
amy, how are you?! how are things in san marcos? lemme know.
i have a modeling job at this art gallery off broadway tomorrow. im excited. plus i get to meet these famous photographers and hopefully i will convince one of them to let me use their studio!
that would be so awesome.
well im trying to win this damn pcs off ebay, hopefully it will work.
later
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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
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Hey, how are you. I looked for you email address everywhere but I cannot find it. My old email account was deleted so I have no way of getting in touch with you other than this. I moved to Austin in January and I start school in June. I live with two other girls in a really nice apartment in South Austin. Becca is one of the girls I live with, do you remember her? Her and Justin still see each other every now and then. He also lives up here. Becca's dad died last year and my other room mate's mother has cancer so sometimes it's a little hard but other than that everything is great. I'm really happy up here. I saw your sister about a month ago at her job, it's so crazy Bryan how much she reminds me of you. I asked about you and she told me you moved to Cali, that made me smile because every since I have known you you have always wanted to move back and I hope everything is going well up there with you. I think about you sometimes and wonder what you are doing, and I also regret how immature I let things become with us. Anyway, I hope you read this sometime soon, but either way here is my email address so you can keep in touch:
YoSeHowItGoes@yahoo.com
later.
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Friday, November 28th, 2003
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| Time: | 2:55 am. |
| Mood: |  excited. |
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Wow I haven't written in here in months.
I'm moving in 30 days and I am so excited to be leaving San Antonio finally. I'm taking this as an oppurtunity to start all over; I'm so sick of screwing up I'm ready to actually do something with my life.
Moving will help me in a lot of ways I think and I'm excited to finally be starting college.
I will live a couple of minuets away from Eric and I'm curious what may happen between the two of us now that I will be living there. I know he still thinks about me but I am just really ready to be in a serious realationship with him and I think he is too...I just don't want to rush into anything since I'll be living in a totally different place and everything, but I've wanted to be his "girlfriend" for three months now and maybe now it will actually happen, and if not, oh well. I still care about him as a very good friend.
I now have to find out all the details. Where I am going to work, when my classes are,and I need to find a church that I would like to attend there and etc.
Man that turkey is putting me to sleep.
GOodnight!!
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"I can't remember how many times I have told myself to hold on to these moments as they pass..."
I have no clue what could overpower someone to lie to someone enough just to get what they want out of things and I have no conception of how someone could pretend to be so real when really they are completely dick and the coldest person in the world. Fuck corona, fuck the night at the hotel, fuck partying, fuck it when i said you changed me, fuck everything i said about the way i thought you use to make me feel, fuck anything i mistaked for being solid, fuck the intimacy, fuck you for pretending you cared, fuck your click and your best friend too, damn boy i fucking hate you.
im so stupid i swear. i must like only attract assholes or something because ironicly that's all I have seemed to encounter throughout my life, and when I did meet an actual nice guy I fucked things up because I didn't know what it felt like to actually be treated the way I should be. And I can't trust men, they lie and I believe them to be telling the truth.
Every since I mat him I always went with my heart and for some unknown reason I wanted to just be with him and I didn't care what the rest of the world said about him or where he lived or what neighborhood he lived in or where he came from...I thought I felt something for him that I would never want to stop feeling- and then I ask him about her and he says he never said he didn't have a girlfriend and tells me hes going to miss me and I can feel my heart break. I can feel myself dying inside because I know once again I got fucked while my eyes were closed and there isn't a damn thing I can do to change anything and I just have to totally forget about this guy that I thought was the greatest out there. I have no sense of what is the truth or what is a lie, i can't tell my own reality from my dreams, all I have is this totally broken heart with a fucking distorted perception of what it could ever be like to actually be cared for by another human being.
and this is why i hate relationships and i keep men as distant as possible. cause WHAT THE FUCK.
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Thursday, April 17th, 2003
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105 pounds and I feel like I'm dying. Everyday I feel weak inside and can't help but wonder what it is that makes me feel this way. I have had a surpressed appetite for 4 months now and one the 23rd I will find out exactly what the fucking problem is with my body.
I met a guy about a month ago and have spent everday with him since. He leaves on the 27th and I feel myself slowly coming to the realization of the heartache and disapointment I have set myself up with...but strangely enough, it doesn't stop me. I have found something truly real and it just sucks so much that I could never have what I want so much to be my own and in a way I am sad. And no one knows, not even myself, why I keep seeing him if it's just going to be left at a 'goodbye' once he is recruited, but my heart stops beating everytime I see him and everything he offers me is real and solid. And I just don't want him to leave me here alone because he has shown me exactly what I want and I haven't had a clue as to what it was I wanted out of life or anyone else until I met him.
I started my job at at Bocconee's and I actually like it a lot and think its going to be a really good place to work. Tips are good and no more papa johns bullshit. I just can't wait until I am confident about everything and dont' have to be so nervous about spilling shit on someone. Actually, my first day I did manage to spill some ice on a customer's lap and it was truly humiliating.
I dont want to be alone
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Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
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| Time: | 1:38 pm. |
| Mood: | so, so, so disappointed. |
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Man, my luck is shitty!
Yesterday I had an appointment at 2 oclock to trade in my car for a bad ass 2001 mustang GT convertible and at 130 pm a mother fucker runs into the back of my car in 2500 dollars worth of damage. So now, I sit and wait for the insurance lady to call me back and reveal the final verdict of the situation- do I get the car or not? It all depends upon if I get the check by today...hopefully I will because I am going to be soooo dissapointed if I dont'. Yesterday was already such a horrible day for me and Im not sure if I can take fucked up news again today.
I didn't go to school today because I ended up getting too high last night. I bought a quarter of this smooth dank. Damn, I wish I had my bad ass car now.
I'm so dissapointed.
Back to work I go today. How exciting.
John doesn't have a clue how I feel about him. I thought for sure he did.
One more week and I go in for my tests to see whats wrong with my organs.
And in a few hours it will be HELL YEAH or FUCK THIS.
who knows.
Pearl Jam is coming and I want to go badly. I love Pearl Jam.
Damn I want that car...=(
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Monday, February 24th, 2003
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| Time: | 11:01 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. |
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My stomach is now nicely decorated with gashes and scars thank to my ever so kind rutreiler. I went outside to see him and started petting him and the next thing I know he starts growling at me and attacking me. He bit into my stomach and just started clawing anything he could get a hold of... I was so scared he was really going to fuck me up. I am more shocked and hurt than anything because I once thought a lot about that dog but now its all over, tomorrow I am taking him to the pound. Fuck that psycho dog.
I had a good day though. I had a good day at school, and then after school my job called back AGAIN and asked me to please come work for them again. So I went in at 4:30 and got off at 10 and made 54 dollars in tips. That really made me happy.
The weather tonight is so crazy though. Everything sill is made into an icicle.
Well I'm off to write some essays and then crash the fuck out. I have to work tomorrow night until 12:30...ugh.
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Saturday, February 15th, 2003
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| Time: | 2:01 am. |
| Mood: |  stressed. |
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Someone once said to me that things only get better but it seems like lately things have only gotten worse and I'm not sure if I should consider the things to be good or bad. I am so confused as to what I am suppose to do with my life I could scream. I once thought that I was wrong not to believe in love- I thought it could make am person become evil, so I made myself keep an open mind and I started to believe again. I let go all my insecurities and swallowed all my excuses for something I have never known to igsist, but have been told all my life is the most wonderful thing. I have been tricked, I have been a fool. And I don't understand why things have to be like this for me and I'm worried maybe it is something about myself that I just need to change. ALl my bad habbits, my pestimistic views on certain things, and maybe I don't mantain enough beliefs. I am independent and I think it's because I have always been told how I should feel about things in life and I have always just let people walk all over me. I have this feeling inside of me now, speaking that I am much older than I use to be and have experience a lot more, that God is testing me. And maybe everyone's life is just a test of morality and faithfulness to the rules of life- and if I am right, I believe I have failed miserably. I think I have remembered too many negative experience and not enough postive and amazing memories.
When Jason talked about his new girlfriend in front of me and work today I felt my heart sink. Not that oh-my-god0i-love-him heart sink, but the kind where you hear someone say something and you just become numb. I am just so clueless as to what kind of person truly is and how he tricked me into believing he was real and solid. People are so deceiving and I just don't know who I can trust anymore and if I should even trust men all together.
I had an interesting Valentine's Day. I woke up, went to work at 1 because Jason needed a favor (fuck him), worked till 9 15, then came home and tried to chill with my sister but only managed to get into a fight, smoked and chilled w. amy. I am kind of glad I was working today though because I probably would have just been moping around while all the couples enjoyed their day. My car stalled on Blanco, something happened with the gas tank. I think there is a huge leakege. Then before I left work, this guy that always talks to me, but I barely know, asked me if he could have a word with me while I smoked a cigerrate. SO i went out there and he hands me a gift. I opened it and it was a pipe from planet k (the same pipe I almost bought a couple of weeks ago), some dank, 75 dollar gift certificate/credit card thing to the mall, and had roses and a card. I just didn't know what to do. Here I am in the most shittiest mood ever and this guy is feeding his heart out to me...I didn't know what to say. I mean I have said everything to him before to clue him in that I wasn't interested. I have even told him just that. And he still knows that I don't like him, but he says he doesn't care that he thinks I am the most beautiful person and he just wants to get to know me. Normally I would just forget about it, and be carless about this situation...but I just can't stand to be a bitch about something like this. Because I know how it feels to be used and I would never want to do that to some one else. I just don't know what to do or what else I can say. Its bothering me for some reason.
I'm really awake which is wierd because I have worked all day and I have a lot of things on my mind. No one really reads this thing anymore anyways, but occasionally Amy, I think.
I think I am just pretty bored with the whole fuck everything kind of attitude. I think I have really developed myself over the past couple of months and I have gotten my life back together. I'm not even sure really how it fell apart like it did. Or even how I made some of the choices I did.
I'm just reflecting on things that I have ignored for so long. It's just one of those nights I guess. Where life just kind of kicks you in the face and forces you to look around in life and see what reality truly is.
Tomorrow morning I go in for a stupid meeting. Actually its morning only to me, but to everyone else it 1 oclock in the afternoon. They say I have to dress Papa johns, so that sucks. But I am really lucky because I even get to go to work afterwards and stay again all fucking day long. ugh
This is probably the longest journal entry ever, but I took some adorol earlier while i was running on impulse - so now I'm pretty wired at the crazy time of 2 30 in the morning. i suck.
and thats all.
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Friday, January 24th, 2003
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I just got home from running, thinking it would help me get back on my feet and feel better...but it didn't. I am still so miserable. And I am trying so desperatly not to care and think about it every second, but I can't help stop myself from thinking about him and what the fuck happened to something so perfect.
Part of me just wants to forget about him, while there is still this huge doubt in my mind that maybe things just need to be said that haven't.
I just don't want to go back to the way things were before I started seeing him. He made things so much better for me, he gave me something to smile about. And now I am so completely lost as to what I am suppose to do with myself now that I gave up my insecurities because I felt like it was worth it and gave him my all, and now I'm left with nothing but seeing him every day at work ignoring me pretending nothing ever happened between us. And it hurts me so much. I now know nothing. Absolutly nothing about men.
I didn't even go to school today because I am so embarassed as to how I have been carrying myself. Yesterday some girl ran into my car I didn't even know and started getting up in her face yelling at her. Then I randomly started opening up to this other girl I didn't even know, but have seen around school, crying and telling her all about Jason. I just feel so pathetic that this has such an impact on me, but it's just the first time in such a long time that something has felt that real to me and like I deserved it.
I think I fall to hard or something...I dunno.
I have to change jobs now for sure because it is emotional torture to work with him and see him and just know that what we had he doesn't want to believe in again.
This sucks so much. But for some reason I don't regret letting him get close to me because I had the best times with him and I guess it's just something I have to get over.
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Tuesday, January 21st, 2003
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For the past 3 days I have been totally stressing about everything between us. And for the past 2 days he has been "too fucked up to talk seriously," whether that's true or not, its bullshit. And he told me he doesn't want a realationship because he just got out of a 2 year one that was really shitty...but I can't help but wonder if it's really that or if it's just me that he doesn't want a realationship with, since I am only "a little girl."
I'm sick of believing things will finally happen for me, it's bullshit. I can't stand being bullshited... it makes me feel so much worse than true negative words would. I'm so tired of trying to fit into someone else's world, it just seems so hopeless.
I dont know what I'm suppose to do anymore. I can't believe he had the nerve to ask me to spend the night last night. How could he possibly believe that we could mantain happiness sleeping together over night but as soon as the morning comes to part our own ways and live a totally different complex lifestyle without exchanging views or words until night falls again. IT's bullshit...it fucks with my head. IT makes me feel like I am just here to give someone company...nothing more.
I feel like shit.
I also need to find another job because I can't be working there anymore...not after all this and the fact that I haven't received my payraise yet really pisses me off.
I've had enough bullshit to get me through 30 more years, I'm sick of it. I just want something real. Something breaktaking.
I seek reality.
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Thursday, January 16th, 2003
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| Time: | 3:39 pm. |
| Mood: |  enthralled. |
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My fortune today was that I would soon find a miracle, and I some how believe it's true and that maybe I have already found my miracle. He is so amazingly perfect for me in this surreal way, he makes me feel so beautiful and self worthy. I think I have probably spent the night with him this whole week and yet I still miss him like I haven't seen him at all. And the fact that he is 24 means absolutely nothing at all to me, its forgotton the minuet I kissed him. He is so mature and sinsere about everything he does in life and he is the only guy that I have been this intrigued by in such a short time. And last night he told me he was really glad that we waited a year before we told each other how we really thought about one another because he said he makes things more solid and things last longer. I could fill 400 pages up with the thought running through my head right now...its a total head rush. I think I am seriously falling for him and I am not even scared about how things could end up because I know I am in good hands.
But work is so wierd these days. I am managing now and opening up the store by myself which is pretty cool, but I really despise when other managers are there because they bitch me around, not to mention I still haven't received my raise yet... damn it! But my paycheck should be pretty nice since I have put in about 32 hours. And it's cool when I open and Jason is my opening driver because we can just chill together but get paid for it.
This weekend I should be going to Austin with Cassie to go sell our jewelery and get high with hippies. I'm not sure if we will really get high with the hippies on the square, but I would sure like to try.
Valentines Day we are going to see Santana. That should be really interesting.
I really hope I don't regret getting this hopeful about everything, but I really can't help the effect he has on me. I'm more than sure he feels the same way, but it just makes me wonder if I am so blinded that I am losing a grip on reality.
It is nice to live in a fantasy world though.
I need to call my friends up... I haven't talked to anyone in weeks.
Amy-- I need to call you and chill with you somtime. I hope youre feeling better and not so down. And when you said that no one cares, I do and there is lots of people that do...sometimes the world just crashes down on you and you feel like no one does, but believe it or not there are hundreds of people that care about you.
I go to work in 45 minuets...great. I hate inside...it's torture, absolute torture.
Damn I can't believe how happy I am. I am in this bad ass mood where everything just seems so right. I hope I can mantain this attitude throughout todays shift.
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Friday, January 10th, 2003
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I went to the doctor today and found out what has been wrong with me and why i havent been able to eat in 9 days. For the past 9 days I have lived off of a portion of a salad per day or a piece of bread, I now weigh 114. The
doctor loaded me up with prescriptions and sent my info to a stomach doctor. I now have to get x-rays because they believe I have an acid reflex disease where the acids in my stomach are slowly deteriorating away my esophagus.
i'm miserable and scared.
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Tuesday, December 31st, 2002
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I am in Austin visiting my sister. Last night a fried of mine, Chris, was suppose to come chill with me here. I haven't seen him in a year and a half. The last time was one of the funnest nights of my life, where I met my perfect one night stand - Vince and worried everyone sick because I didn't tell anyone where I was going... just kind of left. We watched the craziest movie last night, A Clockwork Orange. It was good, just a little wicked.
Tonight should be fun though, New Years Eve... a night where even the most loneliest people should get a new year's kiss. I wonder who mine will be...(Jason?) maybe... but who knows.
I'm waiting for my sister to get ready so we can go off to Planet K and buy me a cool hat. One I have been searching for since the Marley fest.
The other night my friend Justin got mad at me for sharing a bottle of wine, that was supposedly a gift for myself and no one else. That right there just kind of did it for me...I WILL NO LONGER SURROUND MYSELF BY UPTIGHT, RIDICULOUS SPECIMENS unless they realize that the things they often get mad about do not matter and will not even matter in a hundred years! I don't understand why people fucking get so mad about ridiculous things. WE are all going to die someday and I would rather spend my life enjoying life and smiling than yelling and causing fights over petty things such as a bottle of wine. I will reimburse him with either two dollars or another bottle of cheap, but good, Boone's Farm.
I as well dyed my hair, and I'm with Amy...I look like a fucking fire crotch now. IT sucks. But maybe... just maybe someone will think it looks flattering. Ha! I doubt it.
I believe I have developed a cold, which sucks, because tonight is more than likely going to be pretty fucking chilly out side.
I quit my job at Papa John's because my manager was a fucking jake. So now I am off to apply for yet another job. But I am really serious about finding a job I can stick with for at least a year and use as a good reference, and after some time even move my way up to assistant manager or something. A position I fucking earned at Papa John's but once again, my manager was a fucking jake and gave it to someone else. (i am still very bitter about that whole situation.)
Thats my past week in a nut shell.
HAPPY NEW YEA
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Sunday, December 15th, 2002
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I made another bid on ebay, hopefully I will win this time! It's getting on my fucking nerves man.
Last night was so crazy, we all went over this guys house we didn't even know. it was like us 9 white people and when we rang the door bell it was a house full of black and mexican gangsters. WE were like umm wowe... but it turned out to be cool, they were really nice. They called us pot heads for the whole night because none of us went to the fridge to get beer, we just kept loading bowls. ha
Christmas is getting so near, I can't wait. But Christmas Eve is gonna be really fucking hard on my family and Shawn's.
I tripped on Friday night with Justin, julie, Nick, and Becca. It was a really crazy but fun night. I saw tracers like a mother fucker though.
I am so broke right now because I wrote 3 hot checks so now my account is like 64 dollars negative. IT sucks.
Well, umm... I'm gonna go do something
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Thursday, December 12th, 2002
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I walked around my good intentions
and found that there were none
I blame my father for the wasted years
we hardly talked
I never thought I would forget this hate
then a phone call made me realize
I'm wrong
If I don't make it know that
I've loved you all along
just like sunny days that
we ignore because
we're all dumb & jaded
and I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong
I walked around my room
not thinking
just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
like somebody else
I never thought I would just
bend this way
Then a phone call made me realize
I'm wrong
If I don't make it know that
I've loved you all along
just like sunny days that
we ignore because
we're all dumb & jaded
and I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong
I hope to God I figure out Whats's wrong
If I don't make it know that
I've loved you all along
just like sunny days that
we ignore because
we're all dumb & jaded
and I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong
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Sunday, December 8th, 2002
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| Time: | 9:22 pm. |
| Mood: | aggravated. |
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Tonight I checked my checking balance and it was negative 74 dollars. And im not really sure how it is negative because I never charged anything on it, I have just been using cash this week. Im thinking maybe someone used my credit card or something because I know that I didn't do that. So tomorrow I will get paid but majority of my pay check will go to this bank shit. That sucks.
I am cleaning my closet and a few minuetes ago I cut my finger bad.
I have been so bored with everything lately. Work, Weekends, school; everything. And I'm not really sure what wrong with me...I just don't really have very many interests anymore. I dont really eat much anymore unless I'm stoned. A lot of my friends have been getting on my nerves too. And everything is just extremely inaquadict...nothing is how it should be.
And I'm sick of watching all my friends be in love, espically around this time of year, because it just makes me feel worse about myself.
I'm tired of one night hookups.
I'm tired of getting my hopes up on something that has been on my mind for months and then just realizing that it probably isnt even going to happen because I never know where to start or what to say...and nothing could ever explain to him how inaqudaute things have been.
I could never explain how bad I would want things to work out, or how I would do anything for things to be like they were and to feel that good again.
But, I just don't know what to do about anything anymore...I don't even know if its safe to trust my own advice aymore.
Fuck, I'm just annoyed with everything...its just one of those days
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Saturday, November 30th, 2002
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Interesting day, had a lot of family time I guess. It's really cool to see my parents getting along so well, finally.
It surprised me when I saw a lot of hippies at the flea market today. It reminded me of a marley fest or something.
Last night I went over to my friend's best friend's house and just hung out. We watched super troopers which is probably one of the most lame movies there are, but yeah.
I have no idea what I am going to do tonight, all I do know is that I just got home from buying a 12 pack of Becks' cause it was 50% off, so I couldn't refuse.
lets all get drunk tonight
and tomorrow I will go to church.
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num1stunna's journal
guilty.